Ramblings (aka Stupid Stuff)

These are some of the posts that I've made on forums. Once you've read this page, you'll probably want to set up a mail filter that will automatically filter my posts straight to the delete file. You can get directions here

Universal Translator

Thanks to my old friend Captain James T. Kirk (same job as Jean Luc Picard for the younger crowd), I managed to get a "Universal Language Translator" and place it in the pasture with the pregnant females.
The cast:
Donna - Day 372
Sweety - Day 342
Whitney - Day 308
Sandi - With 4 month old cria Lady Windy
Rose & Lillith - Llamas
Vivace - Herdsire
Here's what I heard:
Donna: "Okay Sweety, every day we'll play "Rock, Paper, Shears" to decide who is going to act like they're about to deliver. It drives Rick crazy."
Whitney: "What's paper?"
Sweety: "Shut up Whitney, you can't play for 2 more weeks. Good idea Donna."
Rose: "Hey Lillith, it's your turn to stand here and block Rick's view. I'm hungry."
Sweety: When I roll and pooch my back end out, Rick gets so crazy."
Donna: "Watch Rick while I just stand here all stoic like and stare off in the distance. He's such a moron."
Sandi: "I dropped my baby a week early. The wind was 80 miles per hour, I knew he'd take us into the barn, and he's a sucker for giving extra treats in there."
Donna: "Do I look fat?"
All: "Tee hee."
Vivace: "I sure wish they'd get it over with, I wanna play."
Sweety: "Good thing I'm so tall, otherwise my teats would rub on the ground."
Donna: "I feel like I'm about to explode. I don't know how much longer I can hold out."
Whitney: "Ooooh, wait for me, wait for me."
Donna (spitting): "Not on your life girlfriend. Just go cush and let us do our thing."
Sweety: "I'm hungry all the time, hope I don't get as fat as Donna."
Donna: "I try to only eat when Rick's not looking."
Sweety: "Here comes Rick, I'll roll, Donna, you run to the poop pile."
Donna: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go..."
Sweety: "Good, cause I don't have to go right now."
Donna: "How much longer should we do this, it's getting really uncomfortable."
Sweety: "Just a bit longer, I heard Rick say he was going to pull his hair out. Then we'll be even for those bad haircuts he gave us last year."

> Rick,
> Thanks for the wonderful laugh -- Have you considered script-writing for an
> additional profession? Great stuff!
> Cheers,
> Sue

What, you think I made that up?
This morning:
Donna: "While Rick scoops poop down here, I'll stand in the same place and stare off in the distance. Sweety, you go hide in the barn so he can't see you."
Sweety: "Sounds good. We need to act as weird as possible, 'cause at noon, Rick has to take Pati to have surgery for her broken leg. We really want him to have a lot to worry about."
Whitney: "You guys are mean. I'm going to deliver exactly on my due date so he gives me more treats."
Okay, so I made up the part Whitney said...
Rick

Here's what they were saying today. These universal translators are so cool.
Sweety: "This morning, I'm just going to eat like a pig, but wait until this afternoon."
Donna: "What's up???"
Sweety: "You'll see."
Donna: "I need to stand pretty still all day. I'm just going to stare off in the distance and meditate. I've made it to day 378, if that Alice broad from New Jersey thinks she can outdo me with 382 days, watch this!" (Moan) If it's a boy, I'll name him Clay or Roooooooooooben. If it's a girl, I'll name her Simon."
Whitney: "I'm dropping a girl on day 335."
Sweety (2:00 PM): "Watch this, I'll get them going, I'm going to drop to my side and moan for the rest of the day."
(Camera fast forward) Sweety up and down, roll....
(Later) Windy (Cria) "Looks like a lunch bucket down there. Can I taste?"
Sweety: "Go away kid, you bother me. Mooooaaaannnnnn, Grunt"
(3.5 hours later - 5:30 PM) Snowberrie: (In her debut role, cameo appearance) "I just heard Rick leaving a voice mail for Dr. Thatcher, putting her on standby."
Sweety: "Oh #$%$$$$^&**&#@!^*." (Sorry, my universal translators have filters) "I think I'll stand and act normal the rest of the day. She's the b#@!^ that stuck that probe up my you know where and then told Rick and Pati I was pregnant. I sure don't want that b#@!^ here again, no telling what she'll do."
Donna: "That's okay kid, you done good, not bad for an amateur. You may win one of those statues for acting like Rick's got in the office. You should name it Oscar if it's a boy."
Sweety: "Tomorrow I'm giving up acting, I'm going to be my kid's mom."
Okay, I invented Sweety's last line...

Monday, August 2, 2004
I Had to drag out the universal translator again, in response to a cria not pooping.

I used to worry and watch, until my old friend Jean Luc Picard loaned me his universal translator, yep same thing as you can read about at http://aaalpacas.com/ramblings.html , but this one is far superior to the one I borrowed from Jim Kirk.
Kir: "Quick everyone, Rick's not looking, it's time to poop"
Nala "No stupid, not there, he might find it"
Magellan "Over here, he never walks up to this part"
Dewdrop "Stop!!! Here he comes. I'll stand here at the poop pile and get that look on my face"
Nala "You don't look like you're straining, you look like you're smiling"
Kir "No, she looks like she forgot what she went there for"
Patrick "He's gone, he's going to home depot, that'll take him a while"
Chorus "UUMMFHLIUHNH NH Ahhhh, better"
Nala "Hey what's this?"
Donna (Adult) "Oh dang, he's been playing with the universal translator again, but he left it in the paddock here"
Chorus "What is he saying, what is he saying?"
Donna "He's saying huummmm, hummm"
Kir "No, push the other button"
Donna "He says oink oink"
Whitney. (Under breath) "Stupid Chileans" "Here let me try"
Whitney "Here it is. He says the dang crias aren't going to drive him crazy anymore, because they are very adept at pooping where you can't find it, and doing it when you aren't watching"
Dewdrop "I guess our game is done, we can go back to pronking"
Nala "That's okay, in a couple of years, we'll get to play again, it's called baby watch"
Kir "Yep, we'll all make him go oink oink"
All "Tee hee giggle giggle snort"

Labor and Delivery

Sweety, day 341, first time mom.
9:55 AM all normal
10:00 water breaks.
10:00.01 Rick falls apart, remembers the best thing is binoculars and rope to tie my hands.
10:01 Pati tells Rick to go take a shower, send e-mails, watch TV or something.
4 hours later, at 10:03, nose appears.
2 more hours, 10:05, no progress.
13 hours later 10:07 legs. Position is right.
6 hours later, legs and head out completely at 10:12
Sweety cushes for 8 hours
Stands at 10:15, and fights to get cria out for an agonizing 12 hours.
Cria on ground at 10:22 AM
What a long day!
Beautiful burgundy male suri, 21 lbs, eating in 30 minutes. When we saw his long legs and color, a boy was okay with us.
Rick

The labor was actually 22 minutes total. Note the times.
Sweety is doing great, "Burgundy Blade" is great, Rick is recovering. Pati named him Burgundy Blade because when he eats, his tail reminds her if windshield wiper blades at high speed.
Pictures at http://aaalpacas.com/blade.html

Reading the archives

This was in response to a person that was reading the archives clear back to the beginning. There are over 40,000 messages to read.

Matthew,
I'll save you some time here.
Both boards are made up of small breeders, and they only have big breeders' interests in mind. They are all crooks. They work countless hours for nothing but criticism. Hang them all. Let's nominate each one for sainthood...
DE stops flies, sometimes.
LOL produces the best feed. It kills alpacas.
The best place to give an alpaca an injection is somewhere on the body. It should be SQ, IM, or both.
Our industry will thrive for many years, while the sky is falling.
Gestation is 335 days. It's 342 also. No matter what number you use, alpacas do not give birth on their due date.
We must have a breed standard. It should be referenced only by it's initials (B.S.)

Disclaimer: I am not an alpaca. Please consult your local alpaca before giving any merit. Side effects may include drowsiness, sore throat and headaches. Do not stand on top. You can lose your balance. Your mileage may vary. Tax, title, and transfer fees not included. Not valid in KY, NV, BFE. Not intended for pregnant females.
Three million years from now, the earth will be a big ball of ice, and none of this will matter...
Rick

Disclaimers

Many people give advice on forums, and add disclaimers that you should consult your vet, etc. Some forums do not allow advertising, and many people, when they tout a product, add a disclaimer that they are not affiliated, etc. Sometimes these disclaimers get out of hand...

<--Insert Stupid disclaimer here-->
Note: I am not an Australian. I have never been to the country, though I do enjoy their wines and some of their beers (Pass on the Foster's mate). Some of my mutual funds may have holdings in Australian companies that may or may not do business with Highcroft so my recommendation of this product may increase sales, helping the Australian economy, and thus I may profit. Please consult with your dentist before doing any tooth work.
<--End stupid disclaimers that have gotten out of hand and wasted more bandwidth than original posts that may have overstepped the bounds by a bit-->

<--Insert Stupid disclaimer here-->
I don't own Makita stock. I have, however, been to the country where it is made, and I also like sushi.
<--End stupid disclaimer -->

Dihydromonoxide

In light of the recent posts regarding supplements, I thought I'd pass on one that we think is invaluable.
In addition to orchard grass and pellets, we serve dihydromonoxide. We find that the alpacas love it. I notice that the alpacas that have been through the stress of transport consume quite a bit as soon as they exit the trailer.
Some of our alpacas even enjoy playing in the dihydromonoxide. On warmer days, we put some on their bellies. They love it, and it even seems to make them cooler.
We do serve only natural dihydromonoxide. We get it out of the ground right here on the farm. It can be difficult to find a good price on dihydromonoxide at your local feed store, but if you shop around you may find that it's so inexpensive that it seems, at times, to just fall from the sky.
Some cities and counties will provide dihydromonoxide at a very reasonable cost.
I would never go a day without giving my alpacas dihydromonoxide. I've even tried the stuff, but I like a little lemon for flavoring.
Hope this helps.
Oh yeah, the ingredients are 1 part oxygen, 2 parts hydrogen in case you want to make it yourself. You'll have to squeeze really hard.....
H2O

> From: JAY
> does it put the fiber back on their nose though!!!!

I'd bet dollars to doughnuts they grow more fiber everywhere with it than without it :)
Kind of a moot point though, as the forthcoming breed standard may include:
12. The bridge of the alpaca's nose should be entirely devoid of fiber so as not to tickle their little nostrils and make them sneeze.

Advertising vs Endorsement

Clarification:
Hey, check out the new Binford 9000 Paca Husbandry Deluxe I can sell you at http://aaalpacas.com/binford/
Tim Taylor
That would be an advertisement. Bad stuff for this site
The Highcroft is a good tool and can be bought at Home Depot or Lowe's.
That is a testimonial. Good stuff for this site.
No, there is no Binford 9000 Paca Husbandry Deluxe, but my twisted imagination and warped sense of humour did create one at http://aaalpacas.com/binford/
Hope it brings a smile to the faces of the fathers celebrating the day, and all the mothers too.

New Rules

In light of the current controversies, these new rules should be adopted as soon as possible.
AOBA and ARI Board of Director requirements:
Must we willing to donate a minimum of 170 hours weekly.
Must have at least 25 years experience with alpacas.
Must be a small breeder (no more than 3 alpacas)
Must be capable of pleasing all of the people, all of the time.
Must not have ever had any contact with any other alpaca breeder.
Must be under 24 hour supervision to prevent contact with any other board member or alpaca breeder.
Responsibilities:
Must agree to provide free AOBA membership and listings on the AOBA website to any person or entity that knows that an alpaca is not related to an emu.
Must be willing to personally fund the cable channel "Alpaca Planet". "Alpaca Planet" will have film crews available to all breeders on a 20 minute notice.
ARI responsibilities:
Personally witness every breeding, and arrive at the ranch at the assigned birthing time.
Perform an on the spot DNA test.
All ARI board members must know every alpaca in the US and abroad by name, color, DNA profile, registration number and pedigree back to 1776 (AD)
Judge certification:
Judges will be selected by a unanimous approval of the AOBA members.
Selected judges must be no more than 3 months of age.
Said judges shall be immediately sequestered and only be taught to speak swahili, so as to avoid any outside influences.
All shows must have a minimum of 12 judges. The judges must reach a unanimous verdict on the winners. Should any dispute arise, the decision must be approved by a vote by all AOBA members within 20 minutes. Should a unanimous decision by all members not be reachable within the 20 minute timeframe, the person filing the protest will be awarded a blue ribbon transferable to any alpaca, llama, or emu of his or her own choosing.
Cross bred animals such as alpaca - emu mix will not be eligible for any higher than 3rd place ribbons.
That should about do it...

Are you a breeder?

There was a discussion on when you could call yourself a breeder. Of course I needed to define it for everyone.

You know you're an alpaca breeder when:

* You study poop piles and consider it to be normal behavior.
* You talk about how large Sandi's teats are and your wife doesn't get mad.
* You brag about the size of Vivace's testicles and your husband doesn't get
mad.
* When someone mentions the President, you think of Libby and Amy, and get
confused if someone says George.
* You're comfortable bragging to the local sheriff that you bought some
great grass.
* If someone says Missouri, you think of alpaca feed.
* You call your alpacas "people".
* You think that 30 minute breedings are normal.
* You don't remember that LOL once dealt with laughter.
* You have your VCR set to record the new ilovealpacas.com commercial.
* You've passed on the new Harley so you can buy that nice suri.
* You can't afford an alpaca sweater because you just bought a beautiful
huacaya.
* You're a male and use the terms fawn and burgundy.
* You're a female and don't remember what color chartreuse is.
* You've tasted mineral supplements or electrolytes.
* CV and SD don't mean constant velocity and San Diego.
* You find it amazing that not everyone knows how large a micron is.
* You don't think of Hemingway as an author.
* You forget that there was once an ape named King Kong.
* Your wife wouldn't let you name your son "PVA Nick", so you settled for
just Nick.
* You can easily locate Peru, Bolivia and Chile on a map, but don't know
where Arkansas is.
* You know Cantano's ARI number, but can never remember your fax number.
* When someone doesn't know what they're talking about, you say they're full
of spit.
* You try to modify every blonde joke to make it about an alpaca farmer.
* Sports Illustrated and/or Good Housekeeping magazines are below the
Alpacas Magazine.
* You hide the Alpacas of America auction catalogue from your spouse.
* Your spouse hides the Magical Farms auction catalogue from you.
* You find hidden auction catalogues in your spouse's bathroom.
* You've tried to mimic an orgle.
* You've laughed at any of what you just read.

Definitions

Spit test: Behavior testing in which your non pregnant female tells you she’s pregnant.
Progesterone: A blood test which tells you your non pregnant female is pregnant. Alternate usage: A blood test that tells you your pregnant female is not pregnant.
Ultrasound: A high tech test that tells you your pregnant female is not pregnant.
Due date: A day calculated from the day of the last breeding. Used for marketing purposes only, as alpacas do not deliver anywhere near their due date.
Labor: The part of pregnancy that causes the panic.
Micron: A measurement of fiber taken at six months of age, allowed to sit for six years for aging and sent in to a testing lab for results. Example: Steel wool is 21.3 microns.
Pronk: A Pepe le Pew type run that crias do just after everyone goes back inside after hours of watching.
CDT: Vaccination you give your alpacas and accidentally to yourself on a semi-regular basis.
Panacur (Safeguard): Worming medication with an apple flavor that an alpaca allows the owner to taste once it has been mixed with spit.
Dectomax: Worming medication preferred over ivermectin as it does not sting as bad when you jam the needle in your leg.
EPE: Now renamed disease that threatened to wipe out alpacas circa 2003
EEE: Disease that threatened to wipe out alpacas circa 2004
WNV: Disease that threatened to wipe out alpacas circa 2005
BVD: What alpaca farmers wet if they laugh too hard
Breed Standards (BS): Definition that threatened to wipe out alpaca breeders circa 2006.
BEW: This comes from Latin “beautimus easimus wowismus” which translated means “easy to sneak up on”
ARI: We were at war with ARI, which was run by Whos-yo-mamma Bin Orgling. It was conquered by King Darby, and the capitol has been renamed from Frustration to Lincoln
BOD: http://aaalpacas.com/images/2007/bod.jpg
Hoist down the mizzenpoop: This is not an alpaca term. I do not know how it got here.
Soft Rolling Skin (SRS): What you get around the mid-section when you pay the neighbor kid to scoop poop rather than doing it yourself.
Line breeding: Think of line dancing. Socially acceptable only in small geographic areas.
Peruvian: An alpaca that was stolen by Bolivians from Chile, and later exported from Peru.
Accoyo: Same as above if the alpaca is white and has kind of a fat head.
Entry Level: Poor conformation
Sweet personality: Ugly
Loves treats: Fat, course fiber
Eye Catcher: Funny looking
Petite: Scrawny
Potential Herdsire: Even number of testicles
Density: What you have demonstrated if you believed a thing you just read :)

A butchered Christmas song

We needed an alpaca Christmas song, so I put one here, It is rated PG, it has one 3 letter word referring to the derriére

How to cut your alpaca when shearing

Spring is in the air.
Young lovers’ minds turn to one thing:
Shearing
Yep, I know it’s early, but you need to get the supplies ready, and I
thought I’d give a lesson:
How to cut your alpaca when shearing.
While I lack the experience of many, and I still give $6.00 haircuts, the
tips below should help you know what you can do during shearing to cut your
alpaca. Many people may have more creative ways to do it. If you come up
with a good way, add your feedback.
First, if you shear enough alpacas, you WILL cut one. It’s not a question of
if, it’s a question of when. It’s therefore a good idea to be prepared, have
saline solution, wonder dust, and tequila handy to treat the wound.
I’ll start with the most basic mistakes done by newbies:
1. Keep the shears just off of the alpaca. Holding the shears just off of
the alpaca’s skin is a great way to cut your alpaca. The fiber is pulled up
into the shears, tenting the skin at the same time. Suddenly, you find a
dime sized piece of skin, although it’s just the outer few layers, missing.
Clean it with saline, apply wonder dust, and one shot of tequila is
administered orally to the shearer to get them to calm down. You’ll usually
note that the alpaca didn’t notice, it’s the shearer that’s moaning and
freaking out. Shearer’s wife will remind shearer “The weight of the shear
holds the skin down boofusface.”
2. Hold the shears REALLY tight. Don’t let go! Pilots call it white
knuckled. Shearers know it’s a great way to cut an alpaca, as it doesn’t
allow the shears to follow the contour of the alpaca, the shears rise from
the body, skin gets tented, and there goes another dime (or quarter) sized
patch. Clean it with saline, apply wonder dust, and one shot of tequila is
administered orally to the shearer to get them to calm down and relax their
grip. Your wife then says “Guess you should have held lightly, near the cord
end eh bozo?”
Note: For the average sized person, due to the treatment methods used, it’s
a good idea to limit each shearer to three cuts per day, it’s then time to
go relax (pass out) and start anew another day.
Now we’ll move to intermediate shearers:
Your strokes are better, you move faster, you get more confident. You move
fiber out of your way, accidentally pulling it rather than letting gravity
work, you tent the skin. Congratulations! You just earned a shot of tequila!
(Don’t forget the saline and wonder dust)
Shearer’s wife says “Hey, slick move barfomatic veggiebrain.”
Now advanced.
You now have enough confidence that you can do serious damage. You move too
fast from the back end to the front end of the alpaca. You pinch the front
armpit skin in between the blades. It cuts. If you’re using something like
wizard blades, you’ll probably use saline, wonder dust and tequila (2 shots
for this one)
If you’re using big boy shears like the heineger, you’ll more likely be
looking at suturing, or calling your vet do do it. Your wife gets the
tequila, you sleep with Fido. I can’t include the wife’s comments here, it
is a family forum.
Fido enjoys the company though, and licks your face all night.
There you go, just a few ways that you too can cut your alpaca! Get those
blades sharpened!!!